Mild Apprehension

integratedserket: Here’s a toast to all those I can never replace that never had an issue replacing...

Sat, 26 May 2012 02:04:48 -0500

integratedserket:

Here’s a toast to all those I can never replace that never had an issue replacing me

Photo

Sat, 26 May 2012 02:04:11 -0500

manoliadsouza: optimisticcynic: mollycular: Just a friendly...

Sat, 26 May 2012 01:59:20 -0500

manoliadsouza:

optimisticcynic:

mollycular:

Just a friendly reminder.

A message for everyone who knows me :P

I feel inclined to reblog this tonight.

Lately, I’ve become aware that I might in fact have social anxiety. In addition to being an introvert who prefers alone time to social activities.

I don’t know if it’s something I can apologize for, or even if I should.

Growing up, I’ve always had the type of friends that make it very clear to me that they find themselves to be superficially superior (more attractive) than me. I don’t know how I always find these people, but I do. I’ve constantly scrutinized myself, and compared myself to others, which only lead to a miserable high school existence. My self-esteem plummeted so low that I began to throw myself and any and all males that would show an interest. I learned through clubbing and partying to differentiate between guys that wanted to chat and guys that wanted more, and to go for the guys that wanted more. It was a cheap ego boost, and a short-lived one. I’d always have to go back for more.

I hated myself then, because I was trying to pretend to be an outgoing, friendly, carefree person, when that is exactly the opposite of what I am. I’m guarded. I’m cautious. I’m definitely a loner. I prefer quiet time to socializing with strangers. And when I am forced to come out of my shell by friends, I feel betrayed. I want to be accepted for who I am, even if it’s not who they want me to be.

Tonight I was dragged to a bar in Wrigleyville. I don’t like bars. They remind me of my clubbing phase, which makes me remember the Molly I Don’t Like. The one that “hooked up” with guys, posed for the camera, and dressed like a skank. The one that wasn’t true to herself, and the one that lived for what the world thought. I see the guys and girls that frequent these clubs, and I’m sure some of them are delightful people, but at night, and at these bars, they’re all sorority/fraternity kids that moved up from Zero Gravity and Medusas. From my experience in the fashion world, it’s pretty easy to interpret people through what they wear. You can tell when a girl is looking for a one night stand, and you can tell when a guy is circling like a vulture to find a girl that is looking for one. I’ve seen that look many times. I’ve been groped and grinded on in dark clubs where the music is too loud for anyone to hear you say STOP. It makes me a quite sick.

So we left for this bar, and slightly inebriated Molly thought, “hey, good idea. I’ll try something social for once.” And then it clicked. I’ve tried these things before. I’ve gotten drunk with strangers before. I’ve gone dancing before, with people I’ve really cared about, and it all is lumped as one sour memory of sluttiness, bad decisions, and regrets. Granted, I wasn’t planning to whore myself out tonight in any sense, but the memories were there, and they wouldn’t go away.

I protested and pleaded to go back home, but ended up being literally dragged.

Part of my skepticism (innate characteristic) came into play due to the fact that I’m not 21. And I don’t have a fake ID. There’s a lot in this world that I’m willing to try, but handing my blatantly invalid ID to a bouncer is not something I want to do. It’s an asshole move, to hand them something they obviously can’t accept, but to expect them to let you in anyway. I’m not for being dishonest like that. People get fired over that shit. I want nothing to do with it. And I have 1 month to wait. I’d rather just wait.

On top of that, (bullet point numbers 5 and 6), I don’t like spontaneity. I’ve tried to. I really have. But it catches me off guard so horribly that I end up feeling winded and ill-prepared and honestly, it’s a terrible feeling for me. I don’t know how to explain it to people that don’t already know how this feels. It just feels unnatural, and like the wrong thing, even if it’s just someone telling me to drop what I’m doing and do something for them really quick. The smallest task or favor. Often, I actually get shaky. Which happened tonight.

Overall, a terrible night. I’ve felt over the past few weeks that I’m not entitled to voice my opinions on things, because somehow my opinions are always judged as wrong, which is a terrible thing to feel. Especially coming from the people I love most. If something’s uncomfortable for me, I’m close-minded. If something doesn’t bode well with me, I’m being ridiculous. If something upsets me, usually a spontaneous argument or in-the-moment discovery, I’m being annoying. I don’t know how to explain to people that what I have is a legitimate problem, and it’s nothing I can physically control. When I try to take these matters into my own hands and try to overcome them, I get quickly exhausted, or I find that I have to completely change my personality. Life should not be that way.

If it’s that hard to accept me for who I am, then I’m sorry I’ve been a burden. I’m sorry for any experiences I’ve kept you from due to my own mental/emotional limitations. Please move on, because I have met people that accept me as I am, and don’t try to change me, and understand how my mind works. They are beautiful people, and those are the kind of people I need in my life.

Photo

Fri, 25 May 2012 23:36:15 -0500

jaclyndurkin: 9…. I don’t care what anyone says, I love you.

Fri, 25 May 2012 21:51:04 -0500

jaclyndurkin:

9…. I don’t care what anyone says, I love you.

So far I've packed my mugs, my books, and my sweaters.

Fri, 25 May 2012 20:26:58 -0500

I’m great at prioritizing.

eeisenberg: thecakebar: Authentic Belgian Waffles Recipe!...

Thu, 24 May 2012 23:29:52 -0500

eeisenberg:

thecakebar:

Authentic Belgian Waffles Recipe! (recipe)

#janette #eeisenberg

Photo

Thu, 24 May 2012 23:29:29 -0500

Photo

Thu, 24 May 2012 23:28:00 -0500

Photo

Thu, 24 May 2012 23:25:45 -0500

tacticalshoyu: Bruce Munro originally conceived Field of Light...

Thu, 24 May 2012 19:02:06 -0500

tacticalshoyu:

Bruce Munro originally conceived Field of Light in Australia in 1992. The installation was one idea that landed in Bruce’s sketch book and refused to dislodge from his mind.

Next stop: Longwood Gardens June 2012 – Oct 2012. Bruce fervently hopes to take Field of Light back to it’s roots at Uluru, Australia in Jan 2013.

"There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, without a..."

Thu, 24 May 2012 19:01:05 -0500

“There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.”

- Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill (via julie911)

Photo

Thu, 24 May 2012 00:09:37 -0500

Photo

Thu, 24 May 2012 00:08:45 -0500

garp: nevver: He said, mistakenly. Gestern, heute, morgen.

Thu, 24 May 2012 00:05:59 -0500

garp:

nevver: He said, mistakenly.

Gestern, heute, morgen.

I generally try to believe the best in people.

Thu, 24 May 2012 00:01:00 -0500

When that fails, I use Web MD, and try to diagnose their mental disorders.

Sometimes I just don't know how to explain things without getting into a big Sheldon Cooper-esque lecture.

Wed, 23 May 2012 23:59:50 -0500

What are these laymen’s terms people use and where can I find the dictionary?

devouringearth: peepingbird: por thenewclotheshorse exactly...

Wed, 23 May 2012 22:09:31 -0500

devouringearth:

peepingbird:

por thenewclotheshorse

exactly how I feel today.

Young fox rescued from deep mud at urban building site where it...

Wed, 23 May 2012 21:55:53 -0500

Young fox rescued from deep mud at urban building site where it was found fighting for life in a hole | Mail Online

foxy foxy foxy <3

Photo

Wed, 23 May 2012 19:22:22 -0500